December 1, 2012
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Vermin Attacks
Our back yard is full of vermin.
This is the report from Riley, who had interrupted his little sister’s nap thirty times this morning alone to file yet another squirrel report. Riley is an avid squirrel hunter. It helps, of course, that there is a squirrel thoroughfare on three sides of the lawn, a virtual vermin highway regularly navigated by fat, tail-flipping creatures with bad manners.
They taunt him.
“Hey, dipshit,” I hear them call from the fence, “think you can catch me?”
Squirrels are the paparazzi to Riley’s Lindsay Lohan.
Ms. Lohan (whom I do not know, have never met and never expect to meet) apparently went nightclubbing recently, where she was approached by a psychic who offered her a free reading. Allegedly.
Ms. Lohan requested her space, and when it was not immediately forthcoming (allegedly) dismissed the volunteer as a “fucking gypsy.”
Someone in the gypsy’s entourage took offense, accusations were hurled, and somewhere in the process Lohan punched the gypsy in the face (allegedly.)
She was arrested.
Again.
“We’re not gypsies,” the gypsy’s husband alleged, and presented a garbled version of how he and his wife were just innocently offering psychic insights to passing celebrities and were punched in the face (allegedly) for their efforts.
They are probably not gypsies.
It remains open for discussion whether or not they are squirrels.
I would like to go on record, however, and state unequivocally that watching a beautiful, talented young woman being unrelentingly and systematically torn apart by a pack of wolves is not my idea of entertainment. I am willing to acknowledge some of those wolves are internal, and that a few were uncorked from a bottle, but the truth is…it’s none of my business.
Please, PLEASE do not dismember this young woman any farther for my amusement.
But you read the article, you might point out.
I did.
And I am ashamed.
And I will not do it again.
Comments (2)
I think the Gypsies are a beautiful people. Ms. Lohan, not so much. She needs permanent professional help. Poor soul….However; the California justice system has not done its job with her either, so she’ll never take anything she does illegal seriously. (did I use that semi-colon the right way Ms. Writer, I never know….)
@disillusionisreal - Lord, don’t ask me. I had colons and semi-colons down cold until one day I happen to glance at one of the newer grammar texts and they had it exactly reversed, so…now I have no idea when to use one or the other. One of them denotes the full-grammar complement in two related clauses, while the other is reserved for lists, incomplete sentences and other stray words and phrases. I just never remember which is actually which any more. As for Lohan: she is a talented actress who appears to be self-destructing on the front page of the National Enquirer. She requested her space: as far as I am concerned, she can have it. (Still not sure–should possibly be a semi-colon.)
I’ve never met, nor knowingly seen a gypsy, although I have read two books about them and once wrote a high school paper (straight out of the encyclopedia) on them.